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Act One
OVERTURE PROLOGUE SONG: Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats SOLOS: Are you blind when you''re born? Can you see in the dark? Can you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne? Can you say of your bite that it''s worse than your bark? Are you cock of the walk when you''re walking alone? CHORUS: Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do Jellicles do and Jellicles would Jellicles would and Jellicles can Jellicles can and Jellicles do SOLOS: When you fall on your head, do you land on your feet? Are you tense when you sense there''s a storm in the air? Can you find your way blind when you''re lost in the street? Do you know how to go to the heaviside layer? CHORUS: Because Jellicles can and Jellicles do Jellicles do and Jellicles can Jellicles can and Jellicles do Jellicles do and Jellicles can Jellicles can and Jellicles do SOLOS: Can you ride on a broomstick to places far distant? Familiar with candle, with book, and with bell? Were you Whittington''s friend? The Pied Piper''s assistant? Have you been an alumnus of heaven or hell? CHORUS: Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats We can dive through the air like a flying trapeze We can turn double somersaults, bounce on a tire We can run up a wall, we can swing through the trees We can balance on bars, we can walk on a wire Jellicles can and Jellicles do Jellicles can and Jellicles do Jellicles can and Jellicles do Jellicles can and Jellicles do Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Can you sing at the same time in more than one key? Duets by Rossini and waltzes by Strauss? And can you (as cats do) begin with a ''C''? That always triumphantly brings down the house? Jellicle cats are queen of the nights Singing at astronomical heights Handling pieces from the ''Messiah'' Hallelujah, angelical Choir The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity Round the cathedral rang ''Vivat'' Life to the everlasting cat! Feline, fearless, faithful and true To others who do what Jellicles do and Jellicles can Jellicles can and Jellicles do Jellicle cats sing Jellicle chants Jellicles old and Jellicles new Jellicle song and Jellicle dance Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Practical cats, dramatical cats Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats Oratorical cats, Delphic-Oracle cats Skeptical cats, Dyspeptical cats Romantical cats, Pedantical cats Critical cats, parasitical cats Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats Statistical cats and mystical cats Political cats, hypocritical cats Clerical cats, hysterical cats Cynical cats, rabbinical cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle bells that Jellicles ring Jellicle sharps and Jellicle flats Jellicle songs that Jellicles sing Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats There''s a man over there with a look of surprise As much as to say well now how about that? Do I actually see with my own very eyes A man who''s not heard of a Jellicle cat? What''s a Jellicle cat? What''s a Jellicle cat? SONG: The Naming of Cats CHORUS (spoken): The naming of cats is a difficult matter It isn''t just one of your holiday games You may think at first I''m mad as a hatter When I tell you a cat must have three different names First of all, there''s the name that the family use daily Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey All of them are sensible, everyday names … But I tell you a cat needs a name that''s particular A name that''s peculiar and more dignified Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular? Or spread out his whiskers or cherish his pride? Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo or Coricopat Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum Names that never belong to more than one cat But above and beyond there''s still one name left over And that is the name that you never will guess The name that no human research can discover But the cat himself knows and will never confess When you notice a cat in profound meditation The reason, I tell you, is always the same His mind is engaged in rapt contemplation Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name His ineffable, effable, effanineffable Deep and inscrutable singular name Name, name, name, name, name, name SONG: The Invitation to the Jellicle Ball MISTOFFELEES: Jellicle cats come out tonight Jellicle cats come one, come all The Jellicle moon is shining bright Jellicles come to the Jellicle ball Jellicle cats come out tonight Jellicles come to the Jellicle ball CHORUS: Jellicle cats are white and black Jellicle cats are of moderate size Jellicles jump like a jumping jack Jellicle cats have moonlit eyes We''re quiet enough in the morning hours We''re quiet enough in the afternoon Reserving our terpsichorean powers To dance by the light of the Jellicle moon MUNKUSTRAP: Jellicle cats meet once a year At the Jellicle ball where we all rejoice And the Jellicle leader will soon appear And make what is known as the Jellicle choice When Old Deuteronomy just before dawn Through a silence you feel you could cut with a knife Announces the cat who can now be reborn And come back to different Jellicle life For waiting up there is the heaviside layer With wonders one Jellicle only will see Jellicles ask because Jellicles dare Who will it be? Who will it be? SONG: The Old Gumbie Cat MISTOFFELEES: I have a gumbie cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots Her coat is of the tabby kind with tiger stripes and leopard spots All day she sits upon the stairs or on the steps or on the mat She sits and sits and sits and sits--and that''s what makes a gumbie cat That''s what makes a gumbie cat FEMALE CHORUS: But... When the day''s hustle and bustle is done Then the gumbie cat''s work is but hardly begun And when all the family''s in bed and asleep She tucks up her skirts to the basement to creep She is deeply concerned with the ways of the mice JENNYANYDOTS: Their behavior''s not good and their manners not nice FEMALE CHORUS: So when she has got them lined up on the matting She teaches them JENNYANYDOTS: Music, crocheting and tatting MISTOFFELEES: I have a gumbie cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots Her equal would be hard to find, she likes the warm and sunny spots All day she sits beside the hearth or on the bed or on my hat She sits and sits and sits and sits--and that''s what makes a gumbie cat That''s what makes a gumbie cat FEMALE CHORUS: But... When the day''s hustle and bustle is done Then the gumbie cat''s work is but hardly begun She thinks that the mice will not ever keep quiet; she is sure it is due to JENNYANYDOTS: Irregular diet FEMALE CHORUS: And believing that JENNYANYDOTS: Nothing is done without trying FEMALE CHORUS: She sets right to work with her baking and frying She makes them a mouse-cake of bread and dried peas JENNYANYDOTS: And a beautiful fry of lean bacon and cheese! (DANCE) MISTOFFELEES: I have a gumbie cat in mind, her name is FEMALE CHORUS: Jennyanydots MISTOFFELEES: The curtain cord she likes to wind and tie it into sailor knots She sits upon the window sill or anything that''s smooth and flat She sits and sits and sits and sits and that''s what makes a gumbie cat That''s what makes a gumbie cat FEMALE CHORUS: But... When the day''s hustle and bustle is done Then the gumbie cat''s work is but hardly begun She thinks that the cockroaches JENNYANYDOTS: Need employment FEMALE CHORUS: To prevent them from JENNYANYDOTS: Idle and wanton destroyment FEMALE CHORUS: So she''s formed from that lot of disorderly louts A troop of well disciplined helpful boy scouts JENNYANYDOTS: With a purpose in life and a good deed to do FEMALE CHORUS: And she''s even created a beetles tattoo! (DANCE) FULL CHORUS: So for old gumbie cats let us now give three cheers On whom well-ordered households depend it appears Three cheers, Three cheers, Three cheers! For she''s a jolly good fellow! JENNYANYDOTS: Thank you my dears! SONG: The Rum Tum Tugger CHORUS: The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat TUGGER: If you offer me pleasant, I''d rather have grouse If you put me in a house, I would much prefer a flat If you put me in a flat, I would rather have a house If you set me on a mouse, then I only want a rat If you set me on a rat, then I''d rather chase a mouse CHORUS: The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat TUGGER: And there isn''t any call for me to shout it CHORUS: For he will do as he do do TUGGER: And there''s nothing doing about it SOLO: The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore TUGGER: When you let me in, then I want to go out I''m always on the wrong side of every door And as soon as I''m at home, then I''d like to get about I like to lie in the bureau drawer And I make such a fuss if I can''t get out CHORUS: The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat TUGGER: And there isn''t any use for you to doubt it CHORUS: For he will do as he do do TUGGER: And there''s no doing anything about it SOLO: The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast TUGGER: My disobliging ways are a matter of habit If you offer me fish, then I always want a feast When there isn''t any fish, then I won''t eat rabbit If you offer me cream, then I sniff and sneer For I only like what I find for myself So you''ll catch me in it right up to my ears If you put it away on the larder shelf CHORUS: The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing The Rum Tum Tugger TUGGER: Doesn''t care for a cuddle But I''ll leap upon your lap in the middle of your sewing For there''s nothing I enjoy like a horrible muddle! CHORUS: The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat The Rum Tum Tugger doesn''t care for a cuddle The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat TUGGER: And there isn''t any need for me to spout it CHORUS: For he will do as he do do TUGGER: And there''s no doing anything about it! SONG: Grizabella GRIZABELLA: Remark the cat who hesitates towards you In the light of the door which opens on her like a grin You see the border of her coat is torn and stained with sand And you see the corner of her eye twists like a crooked pin DEMETER: Grizabella, the Glamour Cat BOMBALURINA: Grizabella, the Glamour Cat CHORUS: Who''d have ever supposed that THAT Was Grizabella, the Glamour Cat? SONG: Bustopher Jones: The Cat About Town JENNYANYDOTS: Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones JELLYLORUM: In fact, he''s remarkably fat He doesn''t haunt pubs JENNYANYDOTS: He has eight or nine clubs BOTH: For he''s the St. James Street cat! JENNYANYDOTS: He''s the cat we all greet as he walks down the street In his coat of fastidious black JELLYLORUM: No common-place mousers have such well-cut trousers Or such an impeccable back JENNYANYDOTS: In the whole of St. James''s the smartest of names is The name of this Brummell of cats BOTH: And we''re all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to By Bustopher Jones in white spats MALE CHORUS: In the whole of St. James''s the smartest of names is The name of this Brummell of cats And we''re all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to By Bustopher Jones in white spats BUSTOPHER: My visits are occasional to the senior educational And it is against the rules For any one cat to belong both to that And the Joint Superior Schools For a similar reason, when game is in season I''m found, not at Fox''s, but Blimp''s I am frequently seen at the gay Stage and Screen Which is famous for winkles and shrimps In the season of venison I give my Benison To the Pothunter''s succulent bones And just before noon''s not a moment too soon To drop in for a drink at the Drones When I''m seen in a hurry there''s probably curry At the Siamese or at the Glutton If I look full of gloom then I''ve lunched at the Tomb On cabbage, rice pudding and mutton FULL CHORUS: In the whole of St. James''s the smartest of names is The name of this Brummell of cats And we''re all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to By Bustopher Jones in white, Bustopher Jones in white, Bustopher Jones in white spats JENNYANYDOTS: So much in this way passes Bustopher''s day At one club or another he''s found It can be no surprise that under our eyes He has grown unmistakably round He''s a twenty-five pounder BUSTOPHER: Or I am a bounder JENNYANYDOTS: And he''s putting on weight every day BUSTOPHER: But I''m so well preserved because I''ve observed All my life a routine and I''d say I am still in my prime, I shall last out my time JENNYANYDOTS: That''s the word from this stoutest of cats CHORUS: It must and it shall be spring in Pall Mall While Bustopher Jones wears white, Bustopher Jones wears white, Bustopher Jones wears white spats SONG: Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer SOLO (spoken): Macavity! MUNGOJERRIE: Mungojerrie RUMPLETEAZER: And Rumpleteazer BOTH: We''re a notorious couple of cats As knockabout clowns, quick change comedians Tight-rope walkers and acrobats RUMPLETEAZER: We have an extensive reputation MUNGOJERRIE: We make our home in Victoria Grove BOTH: That is merely our center of operation For we are incurably given to rove RUMPLETEAZER: We are very well known in Cornwall Gardens MUNGOJERRIE: In Launceston Place RUMPLETEAZER: And in Kensington Square BOTH: We have really a little more reputation Than a couple of cats can very well bear RUMPLETEAZER: If the area window is found ajar MUNGOJERRIE: Or the basement looks like a field of war If a tile or two comes loose on the roof RUMPLETEAZER: Which presently fails to be waterproof BOTH: If the drawers are pulled out from bedroom chests And you can''t find one of your winter vests RUMPLETEAZER: If after supper one of the girls Suddenly misses her Woolworth pearls BOTH: The family will say, "It''s that horrible cat! MUNGOJERRIE: "And was it Mungojerrie RUMPLETEAZER: "Or Rumpleteazer!" BOTH: And most of the time they leave it at that BOTH: Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer have a very unusual gift of the gab MUNGOJERRIE: We are highly efficient cat burglars as well RUMPLETEAZER: And remarkably smart at the smash and grab We make our home in Victoria Grove MUNGOJERRIE: We have no regular occupation BOTH: We are plausible fellows who like to engage A friendly policeman in conversation When the family assembles for Sunday dinner Their minds made up that they won''t get thinner MUNGOJERRIE: On Argentine joint, RUMPLETEAZER: Potatoes and greens BOTH: Then the cook will appear from behind the scenes MUNGOJERRIE: And say in a voice that is broken with sorrow RUMPLETEAZER: "I''m afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow BOTH: For the joint has gone from the oven like that!" The family will say, "It''s that horrible cat! MUNGOJERRIE: "And was it Mungojerrie RUMPLETEAZER: "Or Rumpleteazer!" BOTH: And most of the time they leave it at that BOTH: Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer have a wonderful way Of working together RUMPLETEAZER: And some of the time you would say it was luck MUNGOJERRIE: And some of the time you would say it was weather BOTH: We go through the house like a hurricane RUMPLETEAZER: And no sober person could take his oath MUNGOJERRIE: Was it Mungojerrie? RUMPLETEAZER: Or Rumpleteazer? BOTH: Or could you have sworn that it mightn''t be both? MUNGOJERRIE: And when you hear a dining room smash RUMPLETEAZER: Or up from the pantry there comes a loud crash MUNGOJERRIE: Or down from the library there comes a loud ping RUMPLETEAZER: From a vase that was commonly said to be Ming BOTH: The family will say: "Now which was which cat? It was Mungojerrie *AND* Rumpleteazer!" And there''s nothing at all to be done about that! SONG: Old Deuteronomy MISTOFFELEES: Old Deuteronomy''s lived a long time He''s a cat who has lived many lives in succession He was famous in proverb and famous in rhyme A long while before Queen Victoria''s accession TUGGER: Old Deuteronomy''s buried nine wives And more I am tempted to say ninety-nine And his numerous progeny prospers and thrives And the village is proud of him in his decline MISTOFFELEES: At the sight of that placid and bland physiognomy When he sits in the sun on the vicarage wall The oldest inhabitant croaks, "Well of all things! Can it be, really! Yes...No...Ho...Hi! Oh my eye! My mind may be wandering but I confess I believe it is Old Deuteronomy" TUGGER: Old Deuteronomy sits in the street He sits in the High Street on market day The Bullocks may bellow, the sheep they may bleat But the dogs and the herdsmen will turn them away MISTOFFELEES: The cars and the lorries run over the curb And the villagers put up a notice: "ROAD CLOSED" So that nothing untoward may chance to disturb Deuteronomy''s rest when he feels so disposed TUGGER: The digestive repose of that feline''s gastronomy Must never be broken, whatever befall MISTOFFELEES: And the oldest inhabitant croaks, "Well of all things! Can it be, really! Yes...No...Ho...Hi! Oh my eye! My mind may be wandering but I confess I believe it is Old Deuteronomy" CHORUS Well of all things! Can it be, really! Yes...No...Ho...Hi! Oh my eye! DEUTERONOMY: My legs may be tottery, I must go slow And be careful of Old Deuteronomy SONG: The Jellicle Ball SOLOS (spoken): Jellicle cats come out tonight Jellicle cats come one, come all The Jellicle moon is shining bright Jellicles come to the Jellicle ball Jellicle cats are black and white Jellicle cats are rather small Jellicle cats are merry and bright And pleasant to hear when we caterwaul Jellicle cats have cheerful faces Jellicle cats have bright black eyes We like to practice our airs and graces And wait for the Jellicle moon to rise Jellicle cats develop slowly Jellicle cats are not too big Jellicle cats are roly-poly We know how to dance a gavotte and a jig Until the Jellicle moon appears We make our toilette and take our repose Jellicles wash behind their ears Jellicles dry between their toes Jellicle cats are white and black Jellicle cats are of moderate size Jellicles jump like a jumping jack Jellicle cats have moonlit eyes We''re quiet enough in the morning hours We''re quiet enough in the afternoon Reserving our terpsichorean powers To dance by the light of the Jellicle moon Jellicle cats are black and white Jellicle cats (as we said) are small If it happens to be a stormy night We will practice a caper or two in the hall If it happens the sun is shining bright You would say we had nothing to do at all We are resting and saving ourselves to be right For the Jellicle moon and the Jellicle ball CHORUS: Jellicle cats come out tonight Jellicle cats come one, come all The Jellicle moon is shining bright Jellicles come to the Jellicle ball (DANCE) SONG: Grizabella, The Glamour Cat DEMETER: She haunted many a low resort Near the grimy road of Tottenham Court She flitted about the No Man''s Land From "The Rising Sun" to "The Friend at Hand" And the postman sighed as he scratched his head "You really ha'' thought she''d ought to be dead And who would ever suppose that THAT Was Grizabella, the Glamour Cat?" CHORUS: Grizabella, the Glamour Cat Grizabella, the Glamour Cat Who would ever suppose that THAT Was Grizabella the Glamour Cat? (SOLO DANCE -- GRIZABELLA) SONG: Memory GRIZABELLA: Midnight, not a sound from the pavement Has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone In the lamplight the withered leaves collect at my feet And the wind begins to moan END ACT ONE Act Two: "Why Will the Summer Day Delay -- When Will Time Flow Away" SONG: The Moments of Happiness DEUTERONOMY: The moments of happiness We had the experience but missed the meaning And approach to the meaning restores the experience In a different form beyond any meaning We can assign to happiness The past experience revived in the meaning Is not the experience of one life only But of many generations Not forgetting something that is probably quite ineffable SILLABUB: Moonlight Turn your face to the moonlight Let your memory lead you Open up, enter in If you find there the meaning of what happiness is Then a new life will begin CHORUS: Moonlight Turn your face to the moonlight Let your memory lead you Open up, enter in If you find there the meaning of what happiness is Then a new life will begin SONG: Gus, the Theatre Cat JELLYLORUM: Gus is the cat at the theatre door His name, as I ought to have told you before Is really Asparagus, but that''s a fuss to pronounce That we usually call him just Gus His coat''s very shabby, he''s thin as a rake And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake Yet he was in his youth quite the smartest of cats But no longer a terror to mice or to rats For he isn''t the cat that he was in his prime Though his name was quite famous, he says, in his time And whenever he joins his friends at their club (Which takes place at the back of the neighboring pub) He loves to regale them, if someone else pays With anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days For he once was a star of the highest degree He has acted with Irving, he''s acted with Tree And he likes to relate his success on the halls Where the gallery once gave him seven cat calls But his greatest creation as he loves to tell Was Firefrorefiddle, the fiend of the fell GUS: I have played in my time every possible part And I used to know seventy speeches by heart I''d extemporize back-chat, I knew how to gag And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag I knew how to act with my back and my tail With an hour of rehearsal, I never could fail I''d a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts Whether I took the lead, or in character parts I have sat by the bedside of poor little Nell When the curfew was rung then I swung on the bell In the pantomime season, I never fell flat And I once understudied Dick Whittington''s cat But my grandest creation, as history will tell was Firefrorefiddle, the fiend of the fell JELLYLORUM: Then, if someone will give him a toothful of gin He will tell how he once played a part in East Lynne At a Shakespeare performance he once walked on pat When some actor suggested the need for a cat GUS: And I say now these kittens, they do not get trained As we did in the days when Victoria reigned They never get drilled in a regular troupe And they think they are smart just to jump through a hoop JELLYLORUM: And he says as he scratches himself with his claws GUS: Well the theatre is certainly not what is was These modern productions are all very well But there''s nothing to equal from what I hear tell That moment of mystery when I made history As Firefrorefiddle, the fiend of the fell I once crossed the stage on the telegraph wire To rescue a child when a house was on fire And I think that I still can much better than most Produce blood curdling noises to bring on the ghost And I once played Growltiger Could do it again, could do it again Could do it again SONG: "Growltiger''s Last Stand" including "The Ballad of Billy McCaw" CHORUS: Growltiger was a bravo cat who travelled on a barge In fact he was the roughest cat that ever roamed at large From Gravesend up to Oxford he pursued his evil aims Rejoicing in his title of GROWLTIGER: The "Terror of the Thames"! Ha ha ha ha! GRUMBUSKIN: His manners and appearance did not calculate to please His coat was torn and seedy, it was baggy at the knees One ear was somewhat missing, no need to tell you why And he scowled upon a hostile world from one forbidding eye CHORUS: The cottagers of Rotherhithe knew something of his fame At Hammersmith and Putney, people shuddered at his name They would fortify the hen house, lock up the silly goose When the rumor ran along the shore: GROWLTIGER: Growltiger''s on the loose! Ha ha ha ha! SOLOS: Woe to the weak canary that fluttered from its cage Woe to the pampered Pekinese, that faced Growltiger''s rage Woe the bristly bandicoot that lurks on foreign ships And woe to any cat with whom Growltiger came to grips But most to cats of foreign race his hatred had been vowed To cats of foreign name and race, no quarter was allowed The Persian and the Siamese regarded him with fear Because it was a Siamese had mauled his missing ear TUMBLEBRUTUS: Now on a peaceful summer night all nature seemed at play The tender moon was shining bright, the barge at Molesey lay CHORUS: All in the balmy moonlight it lay rocking on the tide And Growltiger was disposed to show his sentimental side GRUMBUSKIN: Growltiger''s bucko mate, Grumbuskin, long since had disappeared For to the bell at Hampton he had gone to wet his beard TUMBLEBRUTUS: And his bosun, Tumblebrutus, he too had stol''n away In the yard behind the lion he was prowling for his prey GROWLTIGER: In the forepeak of the vessel, Growltiger sat alone GRIDDLEBONE: Concentrating his attention on the lady Griddlebone CREW: And his raffish crew were sleeping in their barrels and their bunks SIAMESE: As the Siamese came creeping in their sampans and their junks GROWLTIGER: Growltiger had no eye or ear for aught but Griddlebone GRIDDLEBONE: And the lady seemed enraptured by his manly baritone BOTH: Disposed to relaxation and awaiting no surprise SIAMESE: But the moonlight shone reflected from a thousand bright blue eyes And closer still and closer the sampans circled ''round And yet from all the enemy there was not heard a sound The foe was armed with toasting forks and cruel carving knives GROWLTIGER AND GRIDDLEBONE: And the lovers sang their last duet in danger of their lives GROWLTIGER: Oh, how well I remember the Old Bull and Bush Where we used to go down of a Saturday night Where, when anything happened, it come with a rush For the boss, Mr. Clark, he was very polite A very nice house, from basement to garret A very nice house. Ah, but it was the parrot-- The parrot, the parrot named Billy McCaw That brought all those folks to the bar Ah! He was the life of the bar. Of a Saturday night, we was all feeling bright And Lily La Rose -- the barmaid that was -- She''d say, "Billy, Billy McCaw! Come give us, come give us a dance on the bar!" And Billy would dance on the bar And Billy would dance on the bar And then we''d feel balmy, in each eye a tear And emotion would make us all order more beer Lily, she was a girl what had brains in her head She wouldn''t have nothing, no not that much said If it come to an argument or a dispute She''d settle it offhand with the toe of her boot Or as likely as not put a fist through your eye Or when we was happy and just a bit dry Or when we was thirsty and just a bit sad, She would rap on the bar with that corkscrew she had And say, GROWLTIGER AND GRIDDLEBONE: "Billy, Billy McCaw! GROWLTIGER: "Come give us a tune on your pastoral flute!" And Billy''d strike up on his pastoral flute GROWLTIGER AND GRIDDLEBONE: And Billy''d strike up on his pastoral flute GROWLTIGER: And then we''d feel balmy, in each eye a tear And emotion would make us all order more beer GROWLTIGER AND GRIDDLEBONE: "Billy, Billy McCaw! Come give us a tune on your moley guitar!" And Billy''d strike up on his moley guitar And Billy''d strike up on his moley guitar And then we''d feel balmy, in each eye a tear And emotion would make us all order more beer CHORUS: Billy, Billy McCaw! Come give us a tune on your moley guitar GROWLTIGER: Ah! He was the life of the bar. GENGHIS: Then Genghis gave the signal to his fierce Mongolian hordes With a frightful burst of fireworks, the chinks they swarmed aboard Abandoning their sampans, their pullaways, and junks They battened down the hatches on the crew within their bunks Then Griddlebone she gave a screech for she was badly skeered I''m sorry to admit it, but she quickly disappeared GROWLTIGER: She probably escaped with ease I''m sure she was not drowned CHORUS: But a serried ring of flashing steel Growltiger did surround The ruthless foe pressed forward in stubborn rank on rank Growltiger to his vast surprise was forced to walk the plank He who a hundred victims had driven to that drop At the end of all his crimes was forced to go ker-flip, ker-flop! GROWLTIGER: Ahhhhh!!! CHORUS: Oh there was joy in Wapping when the news flew through the land At Maidenhead and Henley there was dancing on the Strand Rats were roasted whole in Brentford and Victoria Dock And a day of celebration was commanded in Bangkok! (DANCE -- SIAMESE) GUS: These modern productions are all very well But there''s nothing to equal from what I hear tell That moment of mystery when I made history SONG: Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat RUMPLETEAZER: Skimbleshanks the railway cat CHORUS: The cat of the railway train GEORGE: There''s a whisper down the line at eleven thirty-nine When the night mail''s ready to depart RUMPLETEAZER: Saying, "Skimble, where is Skimble has he gone to hunt the thimble We must find him or the train can''t start!" GEORGE: All the guards and all the porters and the station-master''s daughters Would be searching high and low Saying "Skimble, where is Skimble for unless he''s very nimble Then the night mail just won''t go" At eleven forty-two with the signal overdue And the passengers all frantic to a man SKIMBLE: That''s when I would appear and I''d saunter to the rear I''d been busy in the luggage van! CHORUS: Then he gave one flash of his glass-green eyes And the signal went "All clear!" SKIMBLE: They''d be off at last to the northern part of the northern hemisphere! CHORUS: Skimbleshanks, the railway cat, the cat of the railway train SKIMBLE: You could say that by and large it was me who was in charge Of the sleeping car express From the driver and the guards to the bagmen playing cards I would supervise them all more or less CHORUS: Down the corridor he paces and examines all the faces Of the travellers in the first and the third RUMPLETEAZER: He established control by a regular patrol CHORUS: And he''d know at once if anything occurred GEORGE: He would watch you without winking and he saw what you were thinking And it''s certain that he didn''t approve Of hilarity and riot so that folk were very quiet When Skimble was about and on the move CHORUS: You could play no pranks with Skimbleshanks He''s a cat that couldn''t be ignored RUMPLETEAZER: So nothing went wrong on the northern mail When Skimbleshanks was aboard SKIMBLE: It was very pleasant when they''d found their little den With their name written up on the door And the berth was very neat with a newly folded sheet on And not a speck of dust on the floor There was every sort of light you could make it dark or bright And a button you could turn to make a breeze And a funny little basin you''re supposed to wash your face in And a crank to shut the window should you sneeze Then the guard looked in politely and would ask you very brightly "Do you like your morning tea CHORUS (spoken): "Weak or strong?" SKIMBLE: But I was just behind him and was ready to remind him For Skimble won''t let anything go wrong CHORUS: When they crept into their cozy berth and pulled the counterpane They ought to reflect that it was very nice To know that they wouldn''t be bothered by mice They can leave all that to the railway cat The cat of the railway train Skimbleshanks, the railway cat, the cat of the railway train! SKIMBLE: In the watches of the night I was always fresh and bright Every now and then I''d have a cup of tea With perhaps a drop of scotch while I was busy keeping on the watch Only stopping here and there to catch a flea They were fast asleep at Crewe And so they never knew that I was walking up and down the station They were sleeping all the while I was busy at Carlisle Where I met the station-master with elation They might see me at Dumfries if I summoned the police If there was anything they ought to know about CHORUS: When they got to Gallowgate there they did not have to wait For Skimbleshanks will help them to get out And he gives you a wave of his long brown tail Which says, "I''ll see you again" You''ll meet without fail on the midnight mail The cat of the railway train SONG: Macavity SOLO (spoken): Macavity! DEMETER: Macavity''s a mystery cat, he''s called the hidden paw For he''s a master criminal who can defy the law He''s the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad''s despair For when you reach the scene of crime MACAVITY''S NOT THERE! Macavity, Macavity, there''s no one like Macavity He''s broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare And when you reach the scene of crime Macavity''s not there! You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air But I tell you once and once again MACAVITY''S NOT THERE! Macavity''s a ginger cat, he''s very tall and thin You would know him if you saw him for his eyes are sunken in His brow is deeply lined in thought, his head is highly domed His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed He sways his head from side to side with movements like a snake And when you think he''s half asleep, he''s always wide awake Macavity, Macavity, there''s no one like Macavity He''s a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square But when a crime''s discovered then MACAVITY''S NOT THERE! BOMBALURINA: He''s outwardly respectable, I know he cheats at cards And his footprints are not found in any files of Scotland Yard''s DEMETER: And when the larder''s looted BOMBALURINA: Or the jewel case is rifled DEMETER: Or when the milk is missing BOMBALURINA: Or another peke''s been stifled DEMETER: Or the greenhouse glass is broken BOMBALURINA: And the trellis past repair BOTH: There''s the wonder of the thing: MACAVITY''S NOT THERE! Macavity, Macavity, there''s no one like Macavity There never was a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity He always has an alibi and one or two to spare What ever time the deed took place MACAVITY WASN''T THERE! And they say that all the cats whose wicked deeds are widely known (I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone) Are nothing more than agents for the cat who all the time Just controls their operations: "The Napoleon of Crime"! Macavity, Macavity, there''s no one like Macavity He''s a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square But when a crime''s discovered then MACAVITY''S NOT THERE! (DANCE -- MACAVITY) CHORUS (spoken): Macavity''s not there! SILLABUB: We have to find Old Deuteronomy SONG: Magical Mister Mistoffelees TUGGER (spoken): You ought to ask Mr. Mistoffelees! The original conjuring cat-- (sings) The greatest magicians have something to learn From Mister Mistoffelees'' conjuring turn MISTOFFELEES: Presto! CHORUS: And we all say, Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees TUGGER: He is quiet, he is small, he is black From the ears to the tip of his tail He can creep through the tiniest crack He can walk on the narrowest rail He can pick any card from a pack He is equally cunning with dice He is always deceiving you into believing That he''s only hunting for mice He can play any trick with a cork Or a spoon and a bit of fish paste If you look for a knife or a fork And you think it is merely misplaced You have seen it one moment and then it''s gone But you find it next week lying on the lawn! CHORUS: And we all say, Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees TUGGER: His manner is vague and aloof You would think there was nobody shyer But his voice has been heard on the roof When he was curled up by the fire And he''s sometimes been heard by the fire When he was about on the roof At least we all heard that somebody purred Which is uncontestable proof of his singular magical powers And I''ve known the family to call him in from the garden for hours When he was asleep in the hall And not long ago this phenomenal cat Produced seven kittens right out of a hat! And we all say, Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees CHORUS: Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees Oh! Well I never! Was there ever A cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees TUGGER (spoken): Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the marvelous, magical Mr. Mistoffelees! Presto! SONG: Memory JEMIMA Daylight, see the dew on the sunflower And a rose that is fading Roses wither away Like the sunflower I yearn to turn my face to the dawn I am waiting for the day GRIZABELLA: Midnight, not a sound from the pavement Has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone In the lamplight the withered leaves collect at my feet And the wind begins to moan Memory, all alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then I remember the time I knew what happiness was Let the memory live again Every street lamp seems to beat A fatalistic warning Someone mutters and the street lamp gutters And soon it will be morning Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise I must think of a new life And I mustn''t give in When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too And a new day will begin Burnt out ends of smokey days The stale cold smell of morning The street lamp dies, another night is over Another day is dawning Touch me, it''s so easy to leave me All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun If you touch me You''ll understand what happiness is Look, a new day has begun SONG: The Journey to the Heaviside Layer CHORUS: Up up up past the Russell Hotel Up up up up to the heaviside layer Up up up past the Russell Hotel Up up up up to the heaviside layer Up up up past the Russell Hotel Up up up up to the heaviside layer Up up up past the Russell Hotel Up up up up to the heaviside layer SONG: The Ad-dressing of Cats DEUTERONOMY: You''ve heard of several kinds of cat And my opinion now is that You should need no interpreter to understand our character You''ve learned enough to take the view That cats are very much like you You''ve seen us both at work and games And learnt about our proper names Our habits and habitat But how would you ad-dress a cat CHORUS: So first, your memory I''ll jog And say: A cat is not a dog DEUTERONOMY: Now dogs pretend they like to fight They often bark, more seldom bite But yet a dog is, on the whole, What you would call a simple soul The usual dog about the town Is much inclined to play the clown And far from showing too much pride Is frequently undignified He''s such an easy-going lout He''ll answer any hail or shout CHORUS: The usual dog about the town Is inclined to play the clown Again I must remind you that A dog''s a dog; a cat''s a cat DEUTERONOMY: With cats, some say, one rule is true Don''t speak ''til you are spoken to Myself I do not hold with that I say, you should ad-dress a cat But always bear in mind that he resents familiarity You bow, and taking off your hat, ad-dress him in this form: "O Cat!" Before a cat will condescend To treat you as a trusted friend Some little token of esteem is needed, like a dish of cream And you might now and then supply Some caviar or Straussburg pie Some potted grouse or salmon paste He''s sure to have his personal taste And so in time you reach your aim And call him by his NAME CHORUS: A cat''s entitled to expect These evidences of respect So this is this and that is that And there''s how you ad-dress a cat A cat''s entitled to expect These evidences of respect So this is this and that is that And there''s how you ad-dress a cat |
